Saturday, April 23, 2011

Weekend Creation Blog Hop- My Mother the Terrazzo Floor

This is a memory that may be disturbing to those who read it.  If you are a survivor of sexual abuse, you may not want to read this.

My father enters my room and he is in my bed when my mother walks in.  I can remember her dark glasses against her milky white skin-her black hair that never changed styles no matter what the weather was.  She didn't even have to say anything.  The look was all- it blamed me for everything.  Blame that was what I remember learning most from that house with its ugly green cinder block and red brick front and the white wood on the back where they made the porch into a room.  It was a roomy house with wood paneled walls and an air conditioner in the window.  I remember the terrazzo floor with its black and orange and gray specks against a cold marbled white.  My mother is that floor-cold, hard, icy, solid, unforgiving, no emotions, stony and silent.  Later, there was shag carpeting over my mother, the floor, and I tried to forget it was there-tried to make friends with my carpeted mother.  Then, I gave up-I hated her more than I hated him, but I ate my rebellion and hatred up in Thin Mints and chips and cokes.  I cost them only as much as they wanted me to.  No one ever guessed the secrets behind the green cinder blocks-no one guessed behind the smile.  My father tried to fuck me over later in other ways.  And again, I was his victim bursting into tears when his drunken arguments got the best of me-yelling at him that I hated him, my mother trying to comfort me like only a mother can, a mother that's a terrazzo floor covered by green shag carpeting.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Weekend Creation Blog Hop


These are the types of desks we had when I first started school in first grade.  Lord that was a long time ago.  I was five and it was 1970.  Most of you bloggers probably weren't even born yet.  But first grade left a memorable impression on me.  As it did on everyone in the classroom.  We had number lines and our names taped to our desks and if we were caught peeling them off we were forced to stand on a tape line at the front of the class.  I was never there, but my best friend Jill, never one to follow rules was there more than once.

We had a mean teacher.  I mean she was a bitch.  She shouldn't have been teaching children or adults.  She wore a beehive hairdo, strawberry blond that I swear was a foot tall.  She was petite and covered with freckles and her face always looked like she'd just smelled something distasteful, probably us.  She had rules and one of those was the number line.  Another was, act like a grown up, no more sucking your thumb.  She said it over and over to a cute boy who hadn't lost his baby fat yet, with big rosy lips that had his thumb in his mouth.  He hid his face in shame, but obviously needed the comfort of his thumb to get him through the day.  Why she chose to pick on him, I'll never know.  But she was relentless that first day.

Finally, she got a pacifier out of her drawer and told him to suck on that, it was for babies.  I was embarrassed for him and started to cry quietly.  I don't know if others laughed.  Probably, but she was the teacher, so he did what she said.  He put his head down in shame.  Teachers got away with a lot of shit back then.  Some good, some bad.  Anyway, Tony, the boy sucking on the pacifier was mortified and stuck his head in the table of his desk. (Our desks were a table and a chair, just like the one pictured above.) But when she saw what he had done, Mrs. Nicholson (yes, someone had actually married that bitch) told him to pull his head out and sit up.
As Tony tried to pull his head out, he realized his head was stuck in the desk.  The janitor had to be called and if memory serves, they had to take the desk apart to get his head out.  Meanwhile, the whole class is disrupted.

I don't recall the pacifier incident being repeated.  I don't know if Mrs. Nicholson got reprimanded for her behavior.  What I do know is that Tony's first impression of school was a bad one and he was scarred by it.  He was a troublemaker and never succeeded in school after that.  Sadly on the night before he was going to get married, he was running across a busy highway to get a pack of cigarettes and got hit by a car.  He was killed instantly.  Do you know who I blame?  I blame Mrs. Nicholson.  He never had a chance after what she did to him.  He went through life expecting nothing but shame and ridicule from school.  First impressions are everything.  But for school it can make or break you for the rest of your life.  So Tony, may you rest in peace and know that we all remember what happened to you and how she humiliated you and some of us were ashamed for what she did, but too afraid and too little to speak up for you.  I'm sorry I never told you this before, but I'm sorry that happened to you.  You deserved a better first day.  You deserved a better beginning.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Monday Madness "C"

Shah is doing an A-Z post in April which I've already missed, but I can tell you, yes, I've tried some of the C's and am still on one of them.  First drug I was given was Celexa.  There is a reason you go to a psychiatrist for psychiatric drugs.  THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE PLAYING WITH! I went to my family doctor and after three days on Celexa I decided if this was what life was going to be like, a zombie like state of living, I would rather be dead.  Not at all good for a person edging towards mania.  I have also tried Clonazepam and am still on it in the generic form Klonipin.  I was on 4 mg for sleep and am now on 3.  I have found with the lessening of it, my dreams have returned, I don't sleep well, but I can feel a lot more.  The numbness is gone.  My son tried clondine, but whatever it was supposed to do didn't work.

I find that the trial and error of medications with this disease, oh I have Bipolar Disorder, is the most frustrating part of it all.  I don't know of any other diseases except mental illness that have such trial and error, no exact medicine that treats all people.  Heart disease, they have a couple of drugs, a cocktail to give you that helps you, doesn't cure it, but helps.  Diabetes there is insulin.  But for those of us with depression, ADHD, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia and various other mental disorders we take drugs that are off label, some with horrible side effects, usually in conjuction with several other drugs and we have to work up to a dosage called the theraputic level.  But then I'm probably preaching to the choir. 

What has really started to piss me off though is the plethora (I like that word) of books that depicts those of us with mental illnesses as burdening our children with our care because we don't take our meds and our spouses have left us because of the strain of caring for a person with a mental illness.  First off, where is the condemnation of the spouse who left behind the child to take care of the sick parent?  Or another adult who knows about the parent's condition.  It seems that only the sick person the one who can't think straight without medication is the only one condemned in these books.  Unfortunately, these books seem to keep falling into my hands and my anger is building towards the general writing community.  They say they have done their research but only site they googled the disorder they wrote about.  How is that research?  Let them feel what we feel on a daily basis, let's say, just the side effects of our meds for a week and then write a book condemning us for not wanting to take them.  I stumble, get dizzy, need naps, feel nauseous and  have trouble concentrating as well as getting out of bed.  Do they feel that every day?  And there is a fine line thinner than a hair that I walk between depression and mania, and that line is called balance.

Anyway that's my rant!


Lilly's Song from my Current WIP

This is Liam of Liam and the Poets.  He is sitting on the stage singing only to Lilly, a song he wrote for her, for her birthday.  She says words have lost their meaning because everyone leaves her, mothers, fathers, brothers, people that make promises, they'll never leave her, always protect her, never hurt her, always love her.  Words don't mean anything at all because they break their promises, they leave without goodbyes, break her heart and leave her empty and alone wondering what she did wrong.  Liam wants to say "I love you" but they're just words to her.  So he says, "This song is for Lilly.  I know she doesn't believe in words, but I hope when they're sung to her, they'll mean a little more to her.  She'll understand the difference between words and songs and I hope she'll believe them.  Happy Birthday, Lilly."

                                                                        Lilly's Song

                                                      Sunflower yellow, midnight skies,
                                                      Whisper soft wind, tells no lies.
                                                    Wildflower picking, swimming, fishing
                                                    Summer nights full of falling star wishing,
                                                       That Lilly would give a sign,
                                                        She's wanting to be mine. 
                                                   Days of band practice, guitar riffs
                                                   Lemonade smiles, shady picnics
                                                      Back to those eyes those heart shaped lips
                                                   Lilly won't you give me a kiss?
                                                     Your smile, your laugh, your shining eyes,
                                                   I'd be yours, I'd tell you no lies.
                                                       If you'd give me a sign you want me too,
                                                  Lilly how long I've been waitin' for you.
                                                       Summer is past, turned to fall,
                                                  You have my heart, I've given it all.
                                                       To Lilly with your eyes so blue
                                                    Lilly I'm in love with you.
                                                      Take my heart you have it all,
                                                        The only thing I ask is very small.
                                                         Give me a sign you want me too,
                                                      Lilly how long I've been waiting for you,
                                                    I don't ask for much just one small kiss,
                                                        It's all I want, It's all I wish.
                                                        Lilly with your eyes so blue
                                                        Lilly I'm in love with you!

In case you're wondering, Lilly is spellbound and Liam gets his kiss. And no, I don't have any tune in mind because the only thing I play is a piano, but I have no access to a piano.  And Liam plays guitar.

Okay, not that you'd want to, but you may not beg, borrow, steal, reprint or use in any form any where else.  Please.  Read the disclaimer.  It tells you what I'll do if you do!