Friday, June 17, 2011

Going Back

I have always loved the ocean having grown up near it since I was born. The tides soothe my often jangled nerves. The laid back atmosphere is better suited to my needs as I am slow to get things accomplished. The almost constant sea breeze cools me, caressing my skin with its gentle fingers of salt and sand. The sun warms my shoulders, the Vitamin D is so good for my well being. In essence the Beach quenches the thirst in my soul like nothing else can. Nothing can replace it.

But in less than a week I leave my beautiful island of beaches. Back to the desert. Inland and to the South. It has it's pluses. My own house. My children have friends. The children don't bully my kids for their differences. They grew up together. Here, it is so homogeneous that having one small difference is like having blue hair (which isn't allowed, by the way). And my husband will enjoy his job. But I, I will be trapped in a sea of red clay, a cloud of dust, parched and dry, thirsting to my very core for my island in the sea. I have pictures. My house is blue inside. You'd think you were in a beach house if you saw it. But I am hours from the beach. It's not as if I can get up in the morning and go then come back in the same day. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that because I don't have my beach, my calming tides and waves, that I will become what I was. Lost in a black hole. Depressed. Alone. Solitary. My friends will have all moved on. But I, I will go back to somewhere I was desperate to leave.

And I can't remember, was it because I was excited about moving somewhere new? Or was it because I was excited to leave the people I knew behind? Or was it both. There are lots of bad memories in that house. Bad things happened. Bad memories. I punished myself. I stayed depressed a lot. I never opened the blinds. I never got out of bed. I tried to stop the pain with too many pills, once. I'm afraid. And I can't show it or share it with my family. Because they are overjoyed at going back. And I am not. Because I never told them how happy I was about leaving and all the reasons why.

So, I'll go back. I'll be swallowed up by all the toxic people that I can't say no to. I'll be forced into situations that I have no control over what happens to me. And I'll live around people that think I'm a burden to my family. And I'll hide in my house in my neighborhood because I don't want to be seen. And the depression will come back. And I'll retreat further and further until I'm in my bed. And inside I will silently scream.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Red Headed Demon Weekend Creation Blog Hop

A red headed demon lives in my head
Taunting me telling me I'm better off dead
You're a burden to your family, that's what she said
That bitch of a demon and her hair colored red.

A red headed demon lives  near my home
Threatening my safety, I dare not roam
She's taken my freedom, I hate her, I cry I moan
That bitch of a demon with the red haired dome.

A burden, A burden it weighs heavy in me
Those days when the light is tough to see
And the blackness is all I know to be
A red headed demon lit the way for me

She weighed me down with that word so weighted
I feel it, hear it, taste it, wear it I'm sated
By Burden Burden it rings in my ears  belated
I remind myself  she is to be hated.

A red headed demon lives next to my house
I used to call friend now I call louse
She won't say sorry I won't be a mouse
May her hair catch on fire in her hate filled house.