Friday, June 17, 2011

Going Back

I have always loved the ocean having grown up near it since I was born. The tides soothe my often jangled nerves. The laid back atmosphere is better suited to my needs as I am slow to get things accomplished. The almost constant sea breeze cools me, caressing my skin with its gentle fingers of salt and sand. The sun warms my shoulders, the Vitamin D is so good for my well being. In essence the Beach quenches the thirst in my soul like nothing else can. Nothing can replace it.

But in less than a week I leave my beautiful island of beaches. Back to the desert. Inland and to the South. It has it's pluses. My own house. My children have friends. The children don't bully my kids for their differences. They grew up together. Here, it is so homogeneous that having one small difference is like having blue hair (which isn't allowed, by the way). And my husband will enjoy his job. But I, I will be trapped in a sea of red clay, a cloud of dust, parched and dry, thirsting to my very core for my island in the sea. I have pictures. My house is blue inside. You'd think you were in a beach house if you saw it. But I am hours from the beach. It's not as if I can get up in the morning and go then come back in the same day. And I'm afraid. I'm afraid that because I don't have my beach, my calming tides and waves, that I will become what I was. Lost in a black hole. Depressed. Alone. Solitary. My friends will have all moved on. But I, I will go back to somewhere I was desperate to leave.

And I can't remember, was it because I was excited about moving somewhere new? Or was it because I was excited to leave the people I knew behind? Or was it both. There are lots of bad memories in that house. Bad things happened. Bad memories. I punished myself. I stayed depressed a lot. I never opened the blinds. I never got out of bed. I tried to stop the pain with too many pills, once. I'm afraid. And I can't show it or share it with my family. Because they are overjoyed at going back. And I am not. Because I never told them how happy I was about leaving and all the reasons why.

So, I'll go back. I'll be swallowed up by all the toxic people that I can't say no to. I'll be forced into situations that I have no control over what happens to me. And I'll live around people that think I'm a burden to my family. And I'll hide in my house in my neighborhood because I don't want to be seen. And the depression will come back. And I'll retreat further and further until I'm in my bed. And inside I will silently scream.


  1. A fabulous piece of writing. A worrying piece too. I hate to think of you silently screaming. A trouble kept private is one too many. Unburden yourself - let it out, regardless of disapproval. Otherwise we implode and thats is FAR worse than anyones judgement. Warm cuddles - Shah.X

  2. Thanks Shah! For always saying the right thing, for always visiting and for both the memes I follow through your blog. The big difference between then and now is that I have my blogs. I have blogging friends to reach out to and a creative outlet. I can do it without burdening my family with guilt. Funny, but still, none of my family ever looks at either of my blogs. So it's a safe place to unburden. Thanks for reminding me. You're so great! *Hugs*


  3. Hey Heather - reading this has cheered me up on a sad day. Check out my blog post today if you get chance. X

    Shah .X