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Saturday, December 14, 2013

Mama 11-23-13

Where am I? My husband was here right by my side just a minute ago. But my daughter says no.
"Mama, Daddy has been gone sixteen years." I thought he was here right by my side. Where am I?

Someone has gotten married. I don't know the couple. The music is loud. I want to go home.
"Mama, it's your oldest grandson. You remember him. It's his wedding." I know him but he doesn't look like the little boy I remember. I want to go home.

I am angry. It is night. I want to go home. I don't know these hands. I don't know this girl that rubs my back and calls me "Mom." Surely my girls are younger. Where is my husband? He was just right here.

Where am I again? Do I need to pay for something? Do I need to be somewhere? Do I need to change my clothes? Will someone drive me? Where is my husband? Who's hands are these? I want to go home.

There, there is my sister. She looks old. She will sit with me and I will understand. She will help me understand what I do not. But she just talks and I can't hear over the music. It is in my ears and through my mind and I am so dizzy. Where am I? Will someone take me home? I just want to go home.

My sister is gone. I am alone. I shut down. It is all I can do. I want to go home. I am lost here. This is not my home. I do not know any of these people. I just want to go home. Where is my husband? He said he would be here. Always.

Someone brings me more wine and I drink it. It gives me something to do. It does not help me feel better. Where is my husband? No, I am drinking something brown and fizzy through a straw. My daughter is here. She sits by me. She holds me while I cry. Why am I crying? I don't remember.
I want to go home but when she asks, I tell her no, I do not want to leave.

My grandson has not spoken to me. Neither has his bride. Or maybe they have and I don't remember. Where is my husband. He was just right here. I want to go home. I'm ready now. I want to go home. Will someone take me home. I think my husband is waiting for me there.

I don't know these hands in front of me. They are old and wrinkled. They are spotted with age and bruised. Who are these people sitting with me? Where is my husband? He was right here beside me. He said he would always be here. These are not my children. My children are young. They tell me my husband is dead. For sixteen years. But I would remember. I would know. Where am I? Where is my husband? I just want to go home.


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