Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday Madness

Monday Madness is a meme started by Shah at Words in Sync to blather on about mental illness or provide useful information or share something with the rest of the group.  I tend to blather.  So, here's my blather:

I'm so tired of the cold of the aching loneliness.  Depression is a lonely disease.  No matter how many people support you, only you are in it and only you can get out of it.  Only you can see the darkness, get lost in it, lose your way to the light, can't find your way out.  Only you cry and wish for someone to hold you through the pain and loneliness.  Only you feel the pain.  Only you lose track of time as you sit in your darkness.  There is no reading, no writing, no talking , no smiles no socializing, no answering the phone, no Faith, no belief, no trust that this will ever end.  There is only time and darkness.  And I sleep waiting for the light to find me again.  Waiting without hope.  Because hope is light and I am completely black.  Drenched in it, encased in it, floating in it, weighed down by it, drowning in it.  But for two pin pricks of light, no bigger than the eye of a needle, I would end the blackness permanently.  But one pin prick is 11 and the other is 14 and they have a lifetime of fighting this blackness.  And if I take the coward's way out, if I don't fight for the light, then they might not either. So I suffer the blacknes because of them and hope they remember to fight.


  1. It's NOT blather Lady! It's good old thinking out loud - a cathartic release - a run of consciousness - a peek into your despair. And its good. Thanks for your continued support. Means the world. Shah .X

  2. I'm glad you have those 2 pin pricks of light, SFAM because the world is such a great place with you in it. What would I do without you? I have to count for 1/3 of a pin prick. Who would be my therapist, my BFF whose going to fly over to Michigan to see me and hang out. And, you know, it's not just me who wants your precious presence but now Bart, Mason, David, Bonna, Laurie and, well, everyone wants to meet you! I'll be lucky to get a minute w/you!

    We mustn't forget, Bear! Bear wants to meet his Auntie Heather, you know, and you better bring lots of 'nackies for him!
    He'll need lots of love from you cuz he'll smell your pups on you and be jealous; he wants to be the only bubbalouie in your life

    I am so sorry you had such a shitty week, Heather, and you know I know that feeling. I have the same 2 pin pricks only their names are Mason & David. The despair, the lonliness (even when surrounded by 'loved ones'), the dark pit of nothingness that is so much more comfortable than our reality but we have people who love us that remind us that everything isn't so bad and help us see the beauty in life; in the simple things that we forget to take joy in. Sam's laugh or Mason's jokes. Springs coming and the lilacs will bloom, soon flowers will be every where and you'll hear the birds singing, and everything will seem a tad brighter.

    I'm going to go for now, but I'll be calling tomorrow am, not to early.I'm pretty sure you don't have any appts. Si, Senora?

    Love you very much my SFAM,


  3. Thanks Shah but I do blather on. Call it what you will. Monday Madness seems to have taken off. I may move it over to Buried in Books and see if anyone reads it there.

    A the Lovely Book Faery always trying to forget her own pain and problems to save others. It's called codependency and you and I are both very good at it! I so appreciate your support but you know depression isn't a smell the flowers, look at all you have to be thankful for, pull yourself up by the bootstraps kind of disease. That's the evil of Depression. Everyone thinks you're sad or feel down. You do, but there is no reason you can put you finger on. If you could say it' this or that, then we would all be healed. But we know we have so much to be thankful for and sometimes the guilt of that, knowing we are lucky to have loved ones to love us and that we are still depressed weighs even more on us and makes us more depressed. It presses down on us and when people try to help it presses harder because of the guilt. And I know everyone is trying to help me feel better, but something's changing inside. And I have to get it fixed soon or it will consume me. I've had this battle one too many times.

  4. easons for fighting this are 9 & 11 and I fight for the same reasons - thanks so much for sharing.